The Devil Fruit Made Me Do It!
by solderini
Summary: So five pirates walk into a bar... Warning: contains implied yaoi, implied het, gratuitous Devil Fruit abuse, Pimp Daddy Usopp on Crack, and way too many cheezy sex jokes.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: One Piece does not belong to me, nor am I making any money off of this work of fanfiction.  
  
Notes: Takes place between the Arlong Saga and Loguetown. Not that this could ever really happen in One Piece, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.  
  
~*~ The Devil Fruit Made Me Do It, Chapter 1 ~*~  
  
"What kind of bar has no beer?" Zoro shouted, slamming his fist down. Nami shut her eyes. It had been a long, stressful day, and right now all she wanted was something to drink and a nice warm bed. And for her headache to go away. Damn Zoro for throwing a tantrum anyway.  
  
"Nami-san," Sanji said, leaning into her personal space, "are you all right? Would you like me to kick his ass for you?"  
  
"I'm fine, Sanji-kun. Leave Zoro alone."  
  
"Ah, so should I kick the bartender's ass instead?"  
  
"No, Sanji-kun. Just be quiet, OK?"  
  
"Anything you say, Nami-san!" Sanji left her alone and Nami went back to her thoughts.  
  
After months of travel, the Going Merry was showing signs of wear: leaks, cracks, peeling paint. Usopp's quick fixes just wouldn't cut it anymore; repairs had to be made. Unfortunately, the towns in this particular area were terrified of pirates. The only one even willing to let them dock was the one on this barren chunk of earth.  
  
That was where Nami's headache began.  
  
Because this island had no natural resources, arguing with the shipwright over the cost of the repairs had been futile: she'd been forced to pay for the materials in addition to the labor, tripling the price. Because the island had no fertile land and imported virtually all of its food, shopping for supplies had been almost as frustrating; Sanji insisted that any price was acceptable when it came to food, and Nami had only been able to argue the vendor down to double price. And because it had been quite a while since the last shipment, some items, such as potatoes and marmalade, simply could not be found. As Zoro discovered, beer was on that particular list.  
  
And Luffy was eating up the rest of their budget right there in the bar, and Zoro was throwing a hissy fit, and Sanji was making noise trying to shut him up--hadn't she told him to leave Zoro alone and just be quiet?-- and Usopp was... well, Usopp wasn't lying or bragging for once, but she suspected he just didn't want her to beat him up. She almost wished he would; she could use the outlet.  
  
"Ow! Why the hell did you kick me, you stupid--" Zoro yelled.  
  
"Shut up, cabbage head! You're disturbing Nami-san!" Sanji yelled right back.  
  
"But there's no beer! What kind of bar has no beer?"  
  
Nami stood and slammed her hands onto the bar. The two men stopped arguing and looked at her. Usopp cowered. The elderly bartender peeked his head out from behind the bar, looking just as terrified. Luffy continued eating.  
  
"We are *leaving*," she gritted out. "You'll just have to do *without* your beer today. We're going to find a nice, *quiet* inn, and have a nice *quiet* dinner--"  
  
"But Nami," Luffy whined, "I'm not done with this dinner yet!" Nami cracked her knuckles. Luffy, oblivious to the warning, stuffed another cutlet into his mouth and chewed happily. She prepared to slide off her stool and let him have it when the bartender spoke.  
  
"Ah, Miss?" he said. Nami looked at him.  
  
"Yes?" she said sweetly. The bartender gulped.  
  
"You're pirates, right?" At Nami's nod, he continued. "If--If you want, this place is also an inn. I'll be happy to give you a room for the night, at, say, half price?" he said. Nami smiled. She could almost hear him thinking 'just please don't destroy my bar.'  
  
"Make it two rooms, and you've got a deal," she said.  
  
"Deal," said the bartender, relieved. "We don't have any other guests right now, so just pick out any two you want. My cook is off tomorrow, though, so you'll have to cook your own food. Is that all right?"  
  
Nami smiled and nodded, feeling her headache recede-until Zoro cut in again, that was.  
  
"But what about the beer?" he muttered, fingering the hilt of one of his swords. The bartender backed away from him. Nami growled. Why couldn't he just shut up?  
  
"Oh, don't worry about beer, my friend," Usopp interjected. "Back in the day, I was the world's most famous bootlegger! I had clients all over East Blue, and people came from oceans around for a single taste of my gin! I'm an expert at brewing alcohol! Just show me to a tub and I'll whip up the best rum you ever tasted!"  
  
"Hey, Usopp," said Luffy, "I thought you said you made gin?"  
  
"Ah... I told you, I'm the world-famous Bootlegger of the Seas, Usopp! I can make all kinds of alcohol!"  
  
Nami put a hand to her forehead and massaged her temples. Why did they have to anger her so? She startled when she felt hands rubbing her shoulders tenderly.  
  
"Sanji-kun..." she growled.  
  
"Yes, Nami-san? Is there anything else I can do for you? Would you like a hot water bottle? What about--" Nami spun around and slapped Sanji's hands away. He cowered behind Usopp.  
  
"No, Sanji-kun. No. *Nothing*. I just want some peace and quiet and something to drink--"  
  
"Oh, Miss, wh-why didn't you say so?" the bartender interrupted. "I may not have beer right now, but I have some fruit. I could make you some of this island's specialty drink. On the house, of course," he added, eying Nami warily. She smiled.  
  
"Thank you. That would be lovely," she said in her sweetest voice. "What types of fruit do you have?"  
  
"Well," said the bartender, mentally taking inventory. "Right now... just peaches and bananas."  
  
"I want a peach one!" Luffy said happily. The bartender smiled at him and turned to Nami.  
  
"And you, Miss?"  
  
"Peach, please," Nami replied.  
  
"And you, sir?"  
  
"I'll have what she's having," Sanji said.  
  
"And you?"  
  
"Peach," Zoro said reluctantly.  
  
"And you, sir, the famous bootlegger?"  
  
"Banana," Usopp said. The bartender smiled, glad his bar was no longer in mortal danger.  
  
"So, that's four peaches and one banana. I'll be right out with them," he said, then beat a quick retreat into the back room. Once he'd disappeared, Nami turned to Usopp, a mischievous glint in her eye. Nothing felt better than a little payback.  
  
"So, Usopp, you liiike bananas?" she asked. Usopp waggled his eyebrows at her.  
  
"So, Nami, you liiike peaches?" he replied. Nami had to stifle a giggle. If there was one thing Usopp was good for (aside from causing random explosions in the dead of night), it was cheering her up.  
  
"I'd be a peach for you, Nami-san!" Sanji cried, not quite getting it. Nami and Usopp looked at each other and simultaneously burst out laughing. Sanji's face fell.  
  
"What?" he asked. Nami waved her hand at him, laughing too hard to answer. On Sanji's other side, Luffy watched curiously, then turned to Zoro.  
  
"Hey, Zoro, what are they talking about?" he asked, his mouth full.  
  
"Hell if I know," Zoro answered.  
  
The banter continued, and several minutes later, the bartender emerged from the back, balancing five drinks in his skinny arms. He set them down on the bar and passed them out to their respective drinkers. Nami took hers and sniffed it. It didn't smell like any peach drink she'd ever had, but she guessed it was a little overripe. She glanced up at the bartender.  
  
"Is something wrong?" she asked, noting the fine sheen of sweat coating his face and neck.  
  
"Huh? Who? Me?" he said nervously. "Hah hah hah--no, no, nothing wrong here, Miss! I'm just, uh, anxious to see how you like it! My pride is at stake, you know! Hah hah hah!"  
  
Nami raised an eyebrow at this, but decided he was acting strangely was because he was afraid Zoro would kill him if he didn't like his drink. She raised the glass to her lips and took a sip. Nice. Fruity, with just a little tang of some kind of alcohol, rum, maybe?  
  
"This doesn't taste like peach," said Sanji, eyeing his drink suspiciously. Nami glared at him.  
  
"Just drink it, Sanji-kun. We're getting a good deal here."  
  
"All right, Nami-san!" he said, then raised his glass and drained it in one gulp. A quick glance beyond him showed her that Zoro and Luffy had long since finished theirs. She raised her glass again.  
  
"Well," she murmured, "down the hatch." She threw her head back and swallowed it all. Her entire body warmed, and she felt sleepy. Instantly alarmed, she mentally checked herself for any other signs that she might have been drugged, but when nothing happened, she relaxed. Sanji and the others seemed all right as well. On her other side, Usopp drained the last of his drink.  
  
"Mm, that was good," he said. "Of course, it's not nearly as good as the stuff I used to make, but still, not bad."  
  
"Did you like it, Nami-san?" Sanji asked. When she nodded, he turned to the bartender. "Can I have the recipe?"  
  
Still sweating, the bartender agreed and whispered in Sanji's ear. Nami yawned and stretched a little. She wasn't hungry anymore, a plus.  
  
"Well guys," she said, "I'm going to bed. Good night."  
  
"Good night, Nami-san!" Sanji exclaimed. "I'll be joining you shortly!"  
  
"No, Sanji-kun," she said. "I am going to my room. You are going to your room, the one you are sharing with Luffy, Usopp and Zoro." She glanced over at the swordsman. "Scratch that, Luffy and Usopp. He can stay there for all I care."  
  
Zoro was fast asleep, head down on the bar. Nami yawned again and climbed the stairs to pick out a room. Despite the awful day she'd had, she felt warm and content as she changed into her sleepwear, and fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.  
  
~*~ To Be Continued ~*~  
  
As always, I am completely and totally open to criticism. Be my guest. 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimers are in the first chapter.  
  
~*~ The Devil Fruit Made Me Do It! Part 2 ~*~  
  
The next morning, Nami, Sanji, Zoro and Luffy were seated around a small rectangular table, upon which a map was spread out. Nami was carefully marking out their route with pins, figuring that as long as they had nothing else to do, she'd teach the rest of the crew basic navigation skills, so they wouldn't get hopelessly lost the instant she took her eyes off them. It wasn't working too well, though: Zoro wasn't paying attention, instead staring into his drink, and Luffy... was Luffy.  
  
And he was hanging off her. Literally. His arms were wrapped around her neck, and had she been standing she was sure he'd be trying for a piggyback ride. Normally she would have used violence to convey her dislike of his actions to him. Today, however, she simply endured it. She wasn't feeling like herself. Come to think of it, Luffy wasn't acting like himself. And Zoro, while he never really paid attention to what she said anyway, was usually either sleeping or drinking, not brooding. In fact, the only one who was acting anything at all like himself was--  
  
Scratch that. Sanji, as aggressively affectionate as he was, would never try to grope her under the table.  
  
"Sanji-kun," she said. "What do you think you're doing?"  
  
"Copping a feel, of course," Sanji grinned.  
  
Nami rose from her seat and moved around to the other side of the table, dragging Luffy with her. Again, she was avoiding instead of confronting. Something was definitely off. Maybe it was food poisoning?  
  
"Either way," she said, "once we see this monument here, we're going to turn twelve degrees to--Sanji-kun!"  
  
"What?" he said, rubbing his foot against her inner calf.  
  
"I don't believe you today," Nami said, standing and leaning over the map to continue her instruction. Luffy hopped up and wrapped his legs around her torso, overbalancing her and making her lean down a little more than she'd intended.  
  
"Hey Nami-san, guess what I'm looking at right--"  
  
"Good morning," Usopp said, walking down the stairs. Nami felt her heart stop for a moment. Why had she never noticed Usopp before? That long nose, that thick hair, those full lips... Luffy detached himself from her and glomped onto Usopp.  
  
"Hey," said Usopp cooly. Luffy nuzzled his neck and smiled.  
  
"Hey yourself," Sanji said, gliding over to Usopp with his "I'm so suave" walk. "Want me to fix you a... 'tasty' breakfast?"  
  
Nami blinked, forcing herself to look away from the hypnotizing glint of Usopp's buttons. Sanji, hitting on a guy? And where were these feelings coming from? There was definitely something wrong here. She slowly backed away from the table and made her way to the bartender's room.  
  
"Bartender!" she called, banging on the door. "Open up! I wanna ask you something."  
  
A minute later, the door creaked open and the bleary-eyed bartender peered out. "Yes, Miss, anything I can do for you? Does Mr. Swordsman want another drink?"  
  
"Actually," Nami said, "I'd like to know what exactly you put in those drinks. Everyone's acting weird this morning, and the only thing I can come up with is that we all drank at your bar last night."  
  
The bartender started sweating profusely. "Well, that's, um, that's--"  
  
"A trade secret?" Nami asked. The bartender nodded, relieved. Nami reached under her skirt and whipped out her bo, nudging the bartender's jaw with it and smiling menacingly. "I think not. Tell me, or the only trading you'll be doing is--"  
  
"All right, all right, all right!" cried the bartender. "P-Please follow me, Miss."  
  
Nami followed the bartender to the bar, then around it to the back room. He opened a tiny, creaky window, letting some light into the room. The room was sparse; what few shelves there were were almost bare. The bartender brought a short stool out from the corner and used it to reach up to the highest shelf in the room. After a few moments of stretching and cursing, he heaved a large basket of fruit down from the shelf and set it heavily on the floor.  
  
Nami peered inside. About half of it was filled with fruits that looked almost like peaches, but not quite. The other half was filled with fruits that looked almost like very small bananas, but not quite. Nami looked at the bartender. "This is what you gave us?" she asked.  
  
"Ah, yes," said the bartender. "When I offered you peach and banana drinks, I didn't realize that I'd sold my last few to a ship that docked here a few days ago. And I didn't want to keep my honored customers waiting--"  
  
"You mean you didn't want to risk Zoro destroying your bar," Nami corrected.  
  
"Um. Yes. Either way, I didn't know what to do, so I... I panicked. I'm very sorry, Miss." The bartender hung his head in shame. Nami sighed.  
  
"So? What are they?" she asked.  
  
The bartender startled. "Well, we sometimes find them floating in the sea. I started keeping a collection of them, for emergencies, you know," he said. At Nami's irritated look, he picked up one of the peach-looking fruits. "Well, th-they're two different kinds of Devil Fruit. This one is called--"  
  
"Wait, did you just say you gave us Devil Fruit Drinks?"  
  
Nami leapt to her feet, brandishing her bo. The bartender cowered into a ball. "Please don't hurt me, Miss!" he cried. "I--I have twelve grandchildren! How can I read them stories if my jaw is broken?"  
  
After a few tense moments, Nami loosened her white-knuckled grip on her bo and sat back down. "OK, old man," she said, "I'll let you go. This time. But believe me when I say you're going to make it up to me. Now, what were you going to tell me?"  
  
Trembling, the bartender picked up the fruit he'd dropped in his fear. "N- Now," he said, "This one is called the Uke-Uke Fruit. From what I've seen, it... um, it..."  
  
"It... what?" Nami asked.  
  
"It increases the sexual drive of whoever eats it by about double, but it also makes them want to be... ah, 'on the bottom,' if you know what I mean." The old man cringed again, covering his face with his hands.  
  
Nami's head spun. She'd had that one! And so had everyone else. Everyone except for... "And the other kind of fruit?" she asked, dreading the answer.  
  
"This?" said the bartender, holding up one of the banana-looking fruits. "This is a Seme-Seme Fruit. It does the same thing, except it makes whoever eats it want to be 'on top.' And a person who's had the Uke-Uke Fruit will almost invariably be attracted to someone who's had the Seme- Seme Fruit, and occasionally other people who've had the Uke-Uke Fruit, though how they go about showing their attraction depends on the individual."  
  
"Crap," Nami muttered. "Is there any way to undo the effects?"  
  
"Not that I know of, Miss."  
  
Nami narrowed her eyes and stood up. The bartender put his hands up over his face, but Nami didn't hit him. Instead, she made her way to the shelf that held the (woefully small) stash of alcohol and grabbed one bottle after another, holding them against her body with her left arm. The bartender squawked and ran up behind her.  
  
"Miss? Miss, what are you doing?" he asked, wringing his hands. Nami looked at him and smiled.  
  
"Those Devil Fruit could very well screw up my crew for life," she said. "I'm just compensating myself a little."  
  
"You mean, pacifying the swordsman?"  
  
"No, these are for me. Zoro can find his own drinks."  
  
With that, Nami turned her back on the bartender and, stepping over the basket of fruit, walked to the door. Before she could nudge it open and exit, though, the bartender spoke again.  
  
"Miss," he said in a hushed, guilty tone, "there's something else you should know."  
  
Nami turned around slowly. "What?"  
  
"Your friend, the one who ordered the banana drink... I didn't think one Seme-Seme Fruit would be enough, so I put in more than one."  
  
Nami clutched the alcohol tighter. "How many?"  
  
"Ah... four, or maybe five." The bartender glanced at the basket. "No, looks like six."  
  
Nami smiled without any warmth or amusement. "Anything else you want to tell me?"  
  
The bartender took a deep breath. "Your friend, the swordsman?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"He drank all night long."  
  
Nami stared at him for a moment longer, then exited the room. "I'll be back for the rest of this stuff later," she said. The bartender whimpered.  
  
After depositing the alcohol in her room, Nami sat down on the bed and thought. On the one hand, the rest of the crew were her friends; she should tell them about the effects before any of them did something they'd regret. On the other hand... well, there wasn't really another hand, was there? She couldn't not tell them something this important and still consider herself their friend. That thought in mind, she exited her room and went downstairs to find the others almost exactly as she'd left them: Zoro was still brooding, and Luffy and Sanji were still hanging off of Usopp. The only difference was that Usopp appeared to be enjoying himself, playing along with Sanji, occasionally giving Luffy a pat on the head to encourage him. The effects of the Seme-Seme Fruit seemed to be in full swing.  
  
"Oh, hey, Nami," Usopp said upon noticing her. "Am I not the pimp?"  
  
"Yeah, sure, Usopp," Nami said. "Now, could you and your fanclub sit down for a minute? I have something I have to tell you guys."  
  
Usopp and Sanji sat down; Luffy continued to hang off of Usopp. Sanji patted his lap. "Would you care to sit down, Nami-san?"  
  
"Or you could sit here," Usopp said, waggling his eyebrows and indicating his own lap. For exactly one second, Nami was insanely tempted. Then she remembered why she was feeling that way and shook her head. At least Zoro and Luffy weren't hitting on her.  
  
"No thanks," she said. She told them everything she'd learned from the bartender.  
  
"So," she concluded, "I think we should all avoid each other as much as possible until this wears off. If it doesn't, we'll have to deal with it, but I'm hoping we can do something to get rid of the curse." Her eyes narrowed as she noticed that the others weren't paying attention. Zoro was now staring off into space, while Luffy was still nuzzling Usopp's neck. And Sanji...  
  
"You can be my seme anytime," Sanji cooed into Usopp's ear. Usopp smirked.  
  
"No thanks," he said. "You're probably diseased." At Sanji's offended stare, Usopp laughed hysterically. "It was just a joke, Sanji! But seriously, you're not my type." He leered at Nami, who threw her hands up in the air.  
  
"I give up!" she yelled. "You guys can go screw yourselves for all I care!" She stomped upstairs and slammed her door before flopping down on the bed. Stupid men. After a few minutes of sulking, she heard a knock at the door.  
  
"What?" she called, really not in the mood for company. The door opened anyway, though, and Luffy walked in, cheerful as always.  
  
"Hey, Nami, are you sad?" he asked, approaching the bed. Nami sighed.  
  
"Just a little," she said. Luffy frowned, then smiled. He threw both of his arms back.  
  
"GOMU GOMU NO--"  
  
"Ack! Luffy, what are you doing?" Nami shrieked as Luffy's arms shot towards her.  
  
"BEARHUG!" Luffy shouted out. His arms wrapped around Nami, then rebounded. Nami was catapulted forward into her captain, knocking them both to the ground, where they landed on their sides.  
  
"Luffy, Luffy let me go," she said, but Luffy only hugged her tighter. After a moment, she relaxed and twisted around in his arms so she could return the hug. She didn't care about the Devil Fruit or its possible effects; right then she was just a friend giving a hug to another friend.  
  
Well, maybe she did want to take things farther, just a little, but she ignored that part of her mind.  
  
Luffy eventually released her and smiled again. "Don't be sad, Nami," he said, getting to his feet. He waved, then left the room, shutting the door behind him.  
  
Nami sighed and rolled over onto her back, feeling much better. Stupid as he was, she thought, Luffy was a good friend. And cute. And--she stopped her thoughts right there and got to her feet, rummaging through her pack for her cartography supplies. She hadn't mapped this island yet, and the distraction would help her ignore the effects of the Uke-Uke Fruit.  
  
For now.  
  
~*~ To Be Continued ~*~ 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimers are in the first chapter.  
  
Warnings: Everyone becomes even more OOC in this chapter as the Devil Fruit starts to affect them even more. Again, lots of cheezy sex jokes and mockery of bad yaoi fanfiction/doujinshi. Enjoy.  
  
~*~ The Devil Fruit Made Me Do It, Part 3 ~*~  
  
Roronoa Zoro, the famous ex-pirate hunter, soon-to-be Greatest Swordsman in the World, was thinking.  
  
Scratch that, he was brooding. Sulking. Even--he forced himself to admit it--angsting. Everything good in his life seemed to go sour. He'd finally made friends with Kuina, only to lose her to a stupid accident the very next day. He'd been happy living and traveling with Luffy and the rest of the crew, only to land on an island with no beer. And, when he'd finally acquired another, less-satisfying-but-it'll-do alcoholic beverage, it had turned him into a pansy.  
  
He hated his life.  
  
He slammed the drink he'd been nursing (and damn the side effects) onto the table and stood up. He'd never become the Greatest Swordsman in the World just sitting around and whining! There was only one thing he could think of that would relieve his misery--hurting something. That thought in mind, he strode over to Luffy, Usopp and Sanji, who had migrated to another table.  
  
"But Usopp!" Sanji whined. "Why not? I mean, between the two of us I'm sure we could seduce Nami-san!"  
  
"I told you before," Usopp said, "I don't share." Zoro felt his heart flutter at the sound of Usopp's voice and groaned at the sensation. Why now, of all times? He didn't have time to feel this way! He was Roronoa Zoro! He was immune to such things!  
  
"Well then, why don't you do Luffy and let me have Nami-san?" Sanji persisted, pointing to Luffy who was nuzzling Usopp's neck affectionately. Usopp scratched Luffy's scalp. Luffy sighed happily. Zoro gulped. Usopp's hair was so curly and dark... and Luffy was so, so cute...  
  
"Too easy," Usopp said, his voice sounding like honey to Zoro's fevered brain. Zoro shook his head. Not. Right. Now.  
  
"Well, then," Sanji purred, "how about it? You and me?"  
  
Usopp glared at Sanji. "Listen, you," he said, "you've been bothering me all day, and if you ask me one more time I will sell your ass to a Malaysian for two Beri!"  
  
"Fine, then," Sanji huffed, crossing his arms and pouting. "Go ahead and sell me. Maybe then I'd get some action."  
  
"Uh, guys," Zoro said, interrupting the conversation before his--no, not lust, just feelings, he told himself--could overcome him. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"  
  
"Yes?" Sanji asked, leering at him.  
  
"What can we do you for, Zoro?" Usopp added, also leering.  
  
Zoro blinked. This was wrong, wrong, wrong. He couldn't fight them now, none of them. Sanji would be best, but that pervert would probably grope him in his current state. Luffy was just too cute to fight. And Usopp would also grope him, but Zoro would kick his ass for it. If he could just stop staring at that smooth, tan skin...  
  
"Argh!" he yelled, clawing at his hair. "Stop it!"  
  
"Stop what, Zoro?" Zoro would never have thought Usopp's voice could be seductive--no, not seductive, just... OK, seductive--but something in him wanted to go to Usopp, sit in his lap, and tell him all his troubles. To have Usopp listen, really listen, and hold him and run a hand through his hair and tell him he lo--NO!  
  
"Hey, Zoro, where are you going?" Luffy asked as Zoro strode past his friends, a determined look on his face.  
  
"To the room!" Zoro barked.  
  
"Ooh, who do you want to join ya?" Usopp asked, waggling his eyebrows at him.  
  
"Alone! I am going to the room *alone*!" Zoro shouted over his shoulder as he climbed the stairs. He stomped down the hall to his room, threw open the door and slammed it shut. He kicked off his shoes and threw himself onto the bed, fighting the urge to cry. Wiping his face, he rolled over right into Nami.  
  
"What are you doing here?" she screeched, darting away from him with the covers up around her shoulders.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Zoro retorted. "This is my room!"  
  
"No, you idiot, this is my room! Why are you here?"  
  
Zoro belatedly realized she was naked; she must have been sleeping. He forced his eyes away from her smooth, pale shoulders and to her face, which was rapidly becoming dangerous. He backed away slowly, eyes wide.  
  
"Stop staring at me, Zoro!" Nami shouted. Zoro averted his eyes, fighting the urge to peek as he heard the sounds of Nami getting dressed. What he wouldn't give for a good hard fu--a good hard fight. But if he fought with Nami, she'd kick his ass, and that was not what he needed right now. He took a deep breath.  
  
"Hey Nami," he said, "can we talk?"  
  
The rustling sound stopped. "Ah... about what, Zoro?"  
  
Zoro clasped his hands tightly in his lap and gulped. He considered his plan of attack. Should he lead up to the main thrust of his problems with a few feints? Put her off-guard that way so he could finally land a blow? Or should he go on the offensive, batter down her defenses with a few powerful attacks and then... then what?  
  
Well, he'd just have to find out.  
  
"I was about eleven years old," he started. "I had a friend. Her name was... Kuina." He paused. How many years had it been since he'd said that name aloud? "She... I could never win. No matter how many times I challenged her, or how many swords I used, I could never beat her. Never.  
  
"One day--night, actually, I challenged her to a duel with real swords. She beat me then, too. And then she said I'd beat her soon, because she was getting older and soon I'd be stronger than her." He balled his hands into fists. "Do you have any idea how much that pissed me off? What the hell does something stupid like that have to do with anything? That meant that when I did beat her, it wouldn't be because I was better, it would be because she was weaker. I hated her for being that weak already.  
  
"So we made a promise. One day, one of us would become the world's greatest swordsman. No matter what, we wouldn't lose to anyone except each other. And the next day," he stopped, afraid to go on. But he had to. He wasn't going to back down from anyone, even Kuina. Especially Kuina. "The next day, she died. She fell down the stairs."  
  
Helpless tears spilled from his eyes, and he wiped at them angrily. He was Roro-frickin'-noa Zoro, soon-to-be Greatest Swordsman in the World. He did not weep. "She died." The words spilled out from his mouth like his tears from his eyes. "She died, and now I'll never be able to beat her. I'll always be second-best. Always."  
  
There was silence for a moment as Zoro attempted to get his emotions under control.  
  
"I'm... sorry, Zoro," Nami said tentatively. "It must be hard for you." Zoro nodded, an action which caused another small flood of tears to escape. "Listen," she said, putting a hand on his shoulder, "I'm gonna let you have your space, get calmed down. Come down for dinner, OK?" And with that, she left the room, shutting the door behind her.  
  
Zoro stared at the closed door for the longest time. Rejected. He'd been completely and utterly rejected. Nami, the person he'd thought would sympathize the most with him, had retreated in the face of his pain.  
  
He gripped the blanket with both hands. No one understood him. No one could. What was the point? Why go around pretending he was going to beat Mihawk? He rubbed the scar on his chest, which was still prominent after all this time. No way. He'd never fulfill his dream, he'd never amount to anything. He'd always be second-best. And what was the point of living if you would always be second-best?  
  
That thought in mind, Zoro stood and crossed the room to the window, clutching his swords to his chest. He stood there for a moment, feeling the pain of the world seep into his soul. "I'm coming, Kuina," he whispered. Then he opened the window and threw himself out of it.  
  
~*~ To Be Continued ~*~ 


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimers are, you guessed it, in the first chapter.  
  
Time rewinds a little in this chapter, but the sequence of events shouldn't be too hard to figure out.  
  
~*~ The Devil Fruit Made Me Do It! Part 4 ~*~  
  
"Usopp!" Sanji cried once Zoro was out of sight. "Just a little nookie between buddies! C'mon, I'm desperate here!"  
  
Usopp glared at him. "Look, Sanji, for the last time, no. And if you ask me again, I'll spank you without pants!"  
  
"I don't believe this," Sanji huffed. "Do you know how many people want a piece of this ass?" He gestured to said flesh, bending over so the material of his pants would mold to it.  
  
"You mean the ones who don't want a piece of Zoro's instead?" Usopp retorted. Sanji blushed. "And anyway, just because you don't have standards doesn't mean that I do." He thought for a moment. "Wait..."  
  
"Usopp," Sanji reasoned, "you've gotta be at least as horny as me. So how about it? It'll take forever to get Nami or Zoro into bed."  
  
"Nah," Usopp said suavely. "If I wanted easy, I've got easy right here." He patted Luffy's back gently, which caused the rubber boy to squirm around in Usopp's lap and snuggle closer.  
  
Sanji's mouth dropped open. "You wouldn't."  
  
Usopp eyed him cooly. "I would. And I will if you don't stop throwing yourself at me."  
  
They stared at each other for some time, until Usopp burst into laughter. "Jeez, Sanji," he wheezed, "it was just a joke." He took another look at Sanji's horror-stricken face and cracked up again. "Seriously, that's just wrong. It'd be like doing your kid brother or something."  
  
Sanji nodded dumbly. The very thought of sex with Luffy erased every trace of arousal he had, leaving him stunned and somewhat mindless. Why, oh why had he been struck with this curse? Eternally frustrated by Nami, rejected by Usopp, and now he was even considering his own hand as a ready substitute. His hand! Hands were too important to waste on... on masturbation. The very thought filled him with disgust. And yet, now it was looking more and more appealing; indeed, it might be the only option he had left.  
  
"You know what," he said throwing his hands up in defeat. "Fine. You win, I won't bug you any more. I'm going to fix dinner."  
  
"You do that," said Usopp, giving Luffy a noogie.  
  
Sanji stalked into the inn's tiny kitchen and opened up the icebox. He heard a loud thump from outside, but when he went to the window to check, he didn't see anything. Slightly confused, he went back to the icebox and checked the contents.  
  
"One fish, two fish..." he murmured. "A red fish? A blue fish? And some peas." He lifted the fish out of the icebox and stood up, one in each hand. "I can do something with this."  
  
He sighed. It was a lie. He couldn't do anything. Or, rather, he couldn't get anything to do him. It didn't make sense. He kept himself in shape, he could cook, he was a great dresser, so why? He dropped bonelessly to the ground and lay down, staring up at the ceiling. The fish were lifeless in his hands. Just like his love life.  
  
His eyes widened as a sudden thought occurred to him. Maybe he couldn't get laid--maybe Nami-san never gave him the time of day because... because... did his eyebrows look funny?  
  
"I don't believe it," he groaned, clutching the fish tightly. "All this time, Nami-san's been ignoring me because of my eyebrows?"  
  
Unbeknownst to Sanji, the loud thump he'd heard had been caused by Zoro hitting the ground next to the kitchen window after jumping from Nami's second-story room. He moaned softly as he regained his breath and shifted.  
  
"I don't believe it," he groaned. "All this time, I've been able to survive a two-story fall?"  
  
"My only comfort was the thought that she would eventually come around!" Sanji cried, tears spilling from his eyes.  
  
"My only comfort was the thought that I could eventually die like Kuina!" Zoro cried, tears spilling from his eyes.  
  
"Nami-san, why didn't you tell me?"  
  
"Kuina, why did you abandon me?"  
  
"How can I live, knowing that you find me so repulsive?"  
  
"How can I live, knowing that you're still laughing at me?"  
  
"All Blue is a joke! I'll never find it, never!"  
  
"The World's Greatest Swordsman? What a joke! I'll never beat Mihawk, never!"  
  
"I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!" they cried out in unison.  
  
Sanji wept for a few moments, then sat up, wiping his eyes. His tears weren't going to fix dinner, and nobody wanted to sleep with a crybaby. He stood and slapped the fish down onto the counter, a new fire in his eyes as a new idea fired his brain. If nobody else wanted to see him naked, well, then...  
  
In the meantime, Zoro alternately cried and napped, until one last sob shook him out of it. If he wanted to be the World's Greatest Swordsman, he didn't have time to sit around weeping. He sat up and wiped the tears from his eyes.  
  
"OK," he said to himself. "I'm OK. I can do this. I'm Roronoa Zoro, ex- pirate hunter and soon-to-be Greatest Swordsman in the--huh?" He blinked as he realized it was dark out, and the only light in the area was coming from right by his head. Curious, he looked through the window the light was coming from. His eyes nearly dropped out at what he saw.  
  
"Straw-ber-ry sex!" Sanji sung. He danced in time with the music, causing his apron strings to wiggle enticingly over his... Zoro gulped. His very nice, very nude ass. One of Zoro's hands found Wadou Ichimonji's hilt and gripped it tightly. He couldn't tear his eyes off the sight of the Love Chef dancing naked around the kitchen, his clothing thrown haphazardly on the floor. "It's a wonderful world!" Sanji sung, oblivious to his audience.  
  
"It *is* a wonderful world," Zoro muttered, continuing to watch. Too soon, though, Sanji stopped his one-man strip show and got dressed. Zoro realized his hand had cramped from holding his sword too tightly, and he forced himself to let go, only to grip it again when Sanji bent over to check the oven.  
  
"Ah, good," said Sanji, straightening up. "It's ready." He put on a pair of oven mitts, and Zoro forcefully stopped himself from drooling when he bent over again to pull a large pan of something from the oven. While Zoro had never developed his sense of taste, it looked appetizing enough: something meaty combined with noodles and some kind of white sauce baked on top. Casserole? Zoro didn't care. As long as he could eat it and it wouldn't kill him, it was good.  
  
Sanji turned around and lit a cigarette. Zoro stared at for a moment at his crotch, which looked even more appetizing than the food despite being concealed. Then he shook himself out of it. He wasn't thinking about having sex with Sanji. No, he wasn't. He was just... comparing. Yeah. Sanji put the oven mitts back on and grasped the casserole dish, preparing to serve the rest of the crew, smiling a wicked smile. "I hope they like my... special sauce," he said, chuckling menacingly as he exited the kitchen.  
  
Zoro stared at his retreating ass, then blinked as Sanji's words came back to him. Sanji's special sauce? Since when had he had a special sauce? Then his eyes widened in horror. There was exactly one "sauce" special to Sanji alone, and given his earlier dancing and general perviness...  
  
He wouldn't. Would he? Zoro thought back to Sanji throwing himself at Usopp earlier. Yes, he would. He leapt to his feet and ran towards what he hoped was the entrance to the inn. He had to warn them! He had to warn Luffy!  
  
Zoro ran twice around the inn at full speed before he found the right door. He kicked it open, shocking the rest of the crew, who were seated at a corner table, silverware out. "No, you guys, don't eat it!" he shouted. "It's got love in it!"  
  
"Doesn't taste like love to me," Luffy said, taking a bite. Zoro fell to his knees. Luffy, sweet innocent Luffy, corrupted by that--that hussy!  
  
Nami eyed her forkful before placing it gingerly in her mouth. Her eyes widened. "Sanji-kun, you really put a lot of work into this!"  
  
"Of course, Nami-san!" Sanji crooned. "I made it for you!" He smiled a wicked smile and sank down onto Usopp's lap. "And for you too, of course," he purred, running his hands up and down Usopp's overall straps. Zoro held his breath, holding the blood vessels in his nose intact by sheer force of will. "So, Usopp," Sanji continued, "now that you've had my appetizer of love, want the main dish?"  
  
"And what would that be?" Usopp purred back, resting a hand on Sanji's hip. Nami glared at the two of them. Luffy growled and latched onto Usopp's shoulder again. Zoro tried to keep himself from fainting. Damnit, he'd lost almost all the blood in his body fighting Arlong and his goons, he was not going to pass out from a little sexplay. No matter how desperately he wanted to be in Sanji's place. He stood to leave the room, but had to lean against the doorway for support when Sanji started talking again.  
  
"Well," Sanji said, "I figure we'll start with 3 O'Clock Pudding, and then move onto, hmm, how about a Rump Roast?"  
  
Zoro's eyes widened in hunger. What he wouldn't give for some nice, tender loin chops--lamb chops, lamb chops damnit! But his resolve to think un- sexy thoughts was destroyed when he again noticed Usopp's shiny buttons, and his long, curly hair, and his smooth tan skin, and his oh-so-shapely nose...  
  
He shook his head. He did not have time for this. As far as he was concerned, this was all just a really strange hangover. Nothing a little sleep wouldn't fix. He took exactly one step toward the stairs, and then a crash drew his attention back to the drama in the dining room. Sanji was now sprawled out on the table in a very provocative position, staring up at Usopp in surprise. He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could Usopp cut him off.  
  
"Look, Sanji," he said, "I know you're lonely, and I might have led you on a little bit just now, but I meant what I said before, and I still mean it: I don't want you."  
  
"But..." Sanji said, his eyes tearing up. "But Usopp..."  
  
"No buts. This has to stop." Sanji's eyes hardened. Zoro quietly loosened his swords in their scabbards, prepared to fight Sanji if he dared attack Usopp.  
  
"Fine then!" Sanji yelled. "Don't sleep with me! But answer me this: who'll sleep with you now, huh? Where are you gonna get your nookie, if not with me?"  
  
"I have my ways," Usopp answered suavely. Then he leaned down next to Nami and whispered in her ear. "Hey Nami," he said, "wanna help me... practice my aim?"  
  
Nami shuddered and looked away. "Would you stop asking me that?"  
  
"But Nami," Usopp answered, then lowered his voice so that Zoro couldn't hear. Whatever he said must've worked, though, because Nami blushed to match her hair. "And that's no lie, sugar," Usopp said as he pulled away.  
  
"Maybe... just this once," Nami said. "If you promise to leave me alone after this."  
  
"Oh, I'll leave you alone, all right," Usopp said, his voice dropping several octaves. Zoro discreetly adjusted his crotch. "I won't have to ask again; you'll come begging when I'm through with you."  
  
As one, Zoro, Nami and Sanji gulped.  
  
"Hey, Usopp," Luffy piped in. Zoro blinked. He'd forgotten his captain in the heat of the moment, but the poor guy was still draped over Usopp like a cape. "Can I come too?"  
  
Usopp considered it for a moment. "Will you call me Captain?" he asked.  
  
"Aye aye, Captain!" Luffy answered happily.  
  
"Well then!" Usopp said cheerfully. He ruffled Luffy's hair, swung Nami up over his shoulder and patted her ass fondly. "Let's get to it, then!"  
  
"Usopp, put me down!" Nami shouted, but didn't put up much of a fight as Usopp swaggered up the stairs, his two prizes in tow. Once they were out of sight, Zoro let out a breath he'd forgotten he'd been holding. Then his eyes welled up with tears again.  
  
Usopp... hadn't even noticed he was there after his initial outburst. But he'd taken Luffy with him. So it wasn't that he exclusively liked women. That meant...  
  
A single tear escaped. That meant Usopp didn't love him! No one loved him! He'd never have someone to hold him, and tell him it'd be all right, and listen to him talk about Kuina, and he'd never ever be happy again!  
  
At that thought, he buried his face in his hands and let loose the flood.  
  
~*~ To Be Continued ~*~ 


	5. Chapter 5

You guessed it! One Piece still isn't mine! And I'm still not making any money off of this fanfiction! Damn!  
  
Either way, here's the last chapter and the epilogue (next chapter). Hope you enjoy.  
  
~*~ The Devil Fruit Made Me Do It, Part 4 ~*~  
  
Sanji stared at the ceiling, wishing he had a fish to commiserate with. He lit a cigarette and took a drag. Not a bad substitute, but not quite a fish... or sex.  
  
He narrowed his eyes. Usopp was such a jerk! Getting him all worked up, then running off with Luffy and *his* Nami-san! And after he'd so generously offered to share! And what was Usopp doing now, after he'd claimed that he didn't share? He was doing two of them! And with that nose! It was even more funny-looking than his eyebrows!  
  
He turned over on his side. Still, he couldn't deny that he was attracted to the man, desperately so. Then again, he was desperately attracted to anyone and everyone right now. What he wouldn't give for a good screw. With anyone. He rolled back over onto his back and closed his eyes. Then he unbuttoned the first button on his dress shirt, letting his hand linger sensually.  
  
"Ah, Nami-san... Uso-chan..."  
  
"Um, sir?" Sanji cracked an eye open and glared irritably at the bartender, who was hovering next to the table like a worried mother bird. "Your antics here just scared off my only other customers... could you please not, ah, do that on my table?"  
  
Sanji growled, but reluctantly shoved himself off the table and brushed himself off. Then he headed towards the stairs and the room Usopp and company were not occupying.  
  
"Sir?" the bartender ventured meekly. Sanji turned slightly and gave him a look which would've sent a grown sea monster running.  
  
"Yes?" he said, biting hard on his cigarette. He wanted release and he wanted it now, even if he had to make do with his own hand!  
  
"Your friend, the swordsman," the bartender continued. "He seems a little, ah, down." He gestured to the side, and Sanji finally saw what he'd been missing all this time.  
  
Zoro was standing in a corner of the room, face buried in his hands. His shoulders shook, and every so often a quiet sob floated across the room. The sound tugged at Sanji's heart.  
  
Of course, that wasn't all it tugged at.  
  
He crossed the room in six easy strides and tilted Zoro's head up. "Hey, hey," he said, wiping a tear from Zoro's disbelieving face with his thumb. "What's wrong, Zoro?"  
  
Zoro gulped, tried to speak, then shook his head and started sobbing again. Sanji rubbed his back soothingly and drew Zoro into a gentle embrace, resting the other man's head on his shoulder. He ran his fingers through Zoro's short hair and whispered into his ear.  
  
"You wanna talk about this?" he asked. Zoro nodded against his shoulder. "Let's get you a bite to eat and go somewhere more private, then. One of the rooms?" Zoro nodded again, and Sanji released him from his embrace. He took Zoro by the hand and led him up the stairs, smirking.  
  
He was so getting laid.  
  
Several minutes later, Sanji and Zoro were seated on the bed in the room that Nami had occupied the previous night. Well, not so much seated; Zoro was curled up on Sanji's lap, and Sanji was stroking his back and nuzzling the back of his neck as Zoro poured his heart out to him. The empty casserole occupied the floor next to the bed.  
  
"...and how can I be the World's Greatest Swordman if I can never beat *her*?" he asked tearfully.  
  
"I don't know," Sanji replied. "But you should know that, no matter what happens, you'll always be the first swordsman of my heart."  
  
Zoro gasped, then raised his head. "You... you mean that?"  
  
"Of course," Sanji said. He neglected to mention that Zoro was the only true swordsman he knew. Zoro's eyes flickered to Sanji's lips and back again, and Sanji knew it was time. He applied gentle pressure to the back of Zoro's head, and Zoro started to drift forward, his eyes sliding shut...  
  
Sanji smiled. At last, he'd get laid, have sex, do the dirty, dance the mattress mambo. After 19 years of life with only his own hand for company, he'd finally have the company of someone else's! Specifically, the hand of a certain swordsman. A certain swordsman who had a great body and a nice ass...  
  
...and an ugly face, he remembered. And an annoying personality. And green hair. And worst of all, no breasts. Zoro opened his eyes and stared him straight in the eye.  
  
"KYAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Zoro shouted, leaping off of Sanji and halfway across the room.  
  
"What the hell do you think you were doing, you... you sword-fondler!" Sanji shouted back. Zoro drew all three swords, caught the white one in his mouth, and backed into a corner, eyes wild.  
  
"Speak for yourself, you shitty pervert chef!" he growled around the hilt. "*You* were coming on to *me*!"  
  
"I was not!" Sanji said, leaping off the bed and landing on one foot. The other he raised in preparation for a fight.  
  
"Were to!"  
  
"Was not!"  
  
"Were to!"  
  
They stared at each other in silence, breathing heavily. Then Sanji slowly lowered his foot. "C'mon, Zoro," he said, reaching into his pocket for yet another cigarette. "It's obvious neither of us planned that to happen, or even wanted it to. Put those away, you might hurt someone."  
  
"That's the point," Zoro said, but soon relaxed a bit. Keeping a wary eye on him, Zoro slid one, two, then all three swords back into their scabbards. Then he flopped down on the floor. "So, why'd we do that anyway? I can't remember."  
  
"Must've been the Uke-Uke Fruit acting up," Sanji mused. "But I wonder why it suddenly wore off?"  
  
"Doesn't really matter, does it?" Zoro asked, yawning. "I just hope it wore off on the others too, or else they're literally fucked."  
  
Sanji froze. "What did you say?"  
  
"I said, I hope it wore off--hey!" Sanji grabbed Zoro by the arm, flung open the door, and dragged him down the hall.  
  
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Zoro yelled.  
  
"Nami-san's in danger!" Sanji answered, trying to remember which room had been theirs the previous night. "And you hit on me earlier, so you're gonna help me save her. You owe me."  
  
"*I* was hitting on *you*?"  
  
Sanji found the door and paused in front of it, bracing himself. If those pigs had hurt her, if they'd touched even one little hair on her head... He took a deep breath and kicked the door open.  
  
Nami was tied to the bed with thick rope, only partially clothed and squirming. She looked at him and smiled gratefully. "Oh, Sanji-kun..." she said. "They heard you coming and ran away! Thank you! How can I ever repay you?" She wiggled her firm bottom enticingly, and Sanji sauntered forward to claim his prize--  
  
"Sanji, what are you staring at?" Usopp's voice broke Sanji out of his fantasy, and he looked around at what was actually going on in the room. Nami, Usopp and Luffy were seated in a circle on the bed, playing cards. All were fully clothed. He leaned against the door frame in relief.  
  
"You guys, you're not--"  
  
"Nope!" Luffy said cheerfully. "Wore off a while ago. You?"  
  
"Yeah, just in time," Sanji answered, suppressing a shudder at what might have been. Then he narrowed his eyes. "You guys didn't do anything to Nami-san, did you?"  
  
"One king," Nami answered, playing a card. "Sanji-kun, nothing happened. Believe me, they wouldn't still be here if they had." Sanji let out a sigh of relief. "The one thing that confuses me, though," Nami continued. "Why'd it wear off so suddenly?"  
  
Sanji thought for a moment, then smiled a brilliant smile. "The love!" he cried. "The love I put into dinner! It must've somehow canceled out the Devil Fruit!" He clenched his hands into fists, tears in his eyes. "The power of my love, it's saved us!"  
  
"Yeah," said Zoro, still on the floor. "One taste of your love would cure anyone of lust."  
  
Sanji glared at Zoro and lifted his foot to kick him, but Nami's sweet voice interrupted him. "Sanji-kun," she said, "come play cards with us. I'll deal you in next game."  
  
"Anything you wish, Nami-san!" Sanji crooned, taking a place on the bed beside her.  
  
"Now here, you see, I have four aces--"  
  
"Bullshit, Usopp."  
  
"Aw, crap!" After Usopp had gathered the humongous pile of cards into his hands, Luffy put a card of his own down, then glanced at Zoro.  
  
"Hey, Zoro," he said, "wanna play with us?"  
  
Zoro, however, was asleep.  
  
~*~ To Be Concluded ~*~ 


	6. Epilogue

The epilogue! Huzzah! And I'm still not Eichirou Oda! Which means I don't own One Piece! And I'm not Shonen Jump! So I'm not making any money off of it either! Double damn!  
  
Either way, the epilogue.  
  
~*~ The Devil Fruit Made Me Do It, Epilogue ~*~  
  
"Ta-ta!" Nami chirped as she left the inn's tiny storeroom, a large bag of its contents slung over her shoulder. Behind her, the bartender bemoaned the loss of almost his entire inventory. Nami paid him no heed, though; the guy deserved it for putting them through all that trouble.  
  
"'Bout time you finished up," Zoro grumbled as she left the building. "Now all we need is that lying coward and we can get out of here."  
  
"Just taking my due," Nami said cheerfully, then held the bag out to him. "Carry that to the ship for me, would you?"  
  
Zoro snarled and crossed his arms over his chest. "Why the hell should I carry the stuff you *stole*?"  
  
"Because if you don't, I'll tell everyone all about how you tried to force yourself on me yesterday," Nami said slyly.  
  
"What?" Zoro answered. "I thought we agreed not to talk about the stuff we did under the influence of the fruit!"  
  
"Waitaminute," Sanji interrupted. "What did you do to Nami-san, Cabbage- Head?"  
  
"Nothing," Zoro said, slinging the bag over his shoulder. Nami smiled and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath of the fresh air. Beside her, Luffy bounced on the balls of his feet.  
  
"Hey, you guys, let's go!" he said excitedly. "I think I can see Merry from here! Let's go, let's go!"  
  
Nami opened her eyes and watched her captain jump higher, trying to determine whether the mast in the distance did indeed belong to the Going Merry. She frowned, though, as a sudden thought struck her.  
  
"Hey, Luffy," she said. "Stretch out your arm for me, will you?"  
  
"OK!" Luffy beamed, then pulled his right arm back with his left. "GOMU GOMU NO PISTOL!" He let loose the move and hit Zoro square in the chin. Zoro flew backwards into the inn, putting a sizable dent in the wall.  
  
"Luffy!" he shouted. "She didn't say to hit me!"  
  
"Oh," Luffy said. "Sorry, Zoro."  
  
"Sure," Zoro replied, getting to his feet. He glanced to the side as he brushed himself off. "Hey, there you are."  
  
Usopp stopped in mid-stride, refusing to meet Zoro's eye. Nami frowned. That was a guilty look if she'd ever seen one. She wondered what he'd done, but before she could ask Luffy demanded her attention again.  
  
"Hey Nami, why'd you want me to stretch my arm out, anyway?"  
  
"Isn't it obvious?" Sanji interrupted before Nami could answer. "Nami-san wanted to make sure your Gomu Gomu Fruit powers weren't canceled by my love." He turned to Nami, hearts in his eyes. "If anything ever ails you again, Nami-san, just tell me, and my love will get rid of it for you."  
  
"Sure, Sanji-kun," Nami answered, rolling her eyes. "But yes, Luffy, Sanji- kun's right."  
  
"Ah," Luffy said. "Well, now that we're all here, let's go!"  
  
Zoro hoisted the bag back onto his back, Nami waved to the bartender who was watching the morosely from a window, and the Going Merry Five headed off to the docks, where their newly-repaired ship was waiting. Though she started out just behind Luffy, who was rushing along in the front of the group, Nami soon fell back to walk beside Usopp.  
  
"Hey Usopp," she asked, "what exactly were you doing that took so long?"  
  
"Ah, nothing," he said. "Just buying a snack."  
  
"Oh really," Nami said. "Didn't you say you didn't have a single Beri left last night when we were playing poker?" She prodded him in the side and smirked. "Could it be that you were lying to us?"  
  
"N-N-No!" Usopp stammered. "You see, when I went into the storage room to get my snack, there was this boy, and he was selling these magic beans..."  
  
They soon reached the docks and set about their respective tasks. Luffy hugged the figurehead, Nami grumbled as she paid the shipwright, Sanji gleefully added the items in Nami's bag to the kitchen cupboards, and after raising the anchor, Zoro flopped down on deck and took a nap. In the meantime, the gears in Usopp's head spun furiously.  
  
"Hey Luffy," he said. "Aren't I the new Captain?"  
  
"No," Luffy said, looking at Usopp like he was missing a few screws. "I'm the Captain."  
  
"But didn't you call me Captain last night?"  
  
"Would you two just forget about yesterday?" Nami and Sanji shouted in unison.  
  
"Jeez, everyone just shut up," Zoro said. "I'm trying to sleep."  
  
And so the Luffy Pirates sailed off to new adventure, miraculously save by the power of, er, love. None of them noticed, however, the single Seme- Seme Fruit hidden deep in a pile of Usopp's gadgets, ready for his use on a very special night with a very special lady. Oh, Kaya, you are in for a treat. He wasn't lying to Nami after all.  
  
~*~ The End ~*~  
  
Well, that's it. Feel free to criticize if you wish. I can take it.  
  
Either way, I hope you had as much fun reading this as I did writing it. 


End file.
